At different points in my life I’ve struggled with believing I am truly loved by God, and that he really is good. As Christians, according to 2 Corinthians 10:5 we are called to “destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” A friend and former pastor of mine had a sobering way of interpreting this scripture. He would bluntly ask, “So if the Bible is what God says, who are you listening to?” Gut check. If I am not embracing the truth of God’s word, I am by default embracing the lies of the enemy. “So who do you serve,” he’d continue, “God or Satan?”
When put that bluntly, any Christian would say, “I serve God!” But in so many ways, when we let these lies run rampant in our lives, we pledge our allegiance to the Prince of this Earth, whose only goals are to steal from us, kill us, and destroy us.
In the spirit of sharing battle secrets, I want to go through a few of the lies I believed—and still war against—after the death of my son. I pray that you find comfort in the truth of the Word, and that you know that you are not alone.
1. I am in complete control of my fertility
What I’ve found, though, is you can know all the things, and do all the things, but still end up with the same result: not pregnant. Which only drives me further into believing this lie, and looking under every unturned stone for the secret to unlock my womb. But the secret never comes. Every woman is different, but it’s so hard not to compare to others. If so-and-so got pregnant after cutting out gluten, it should work for me. Right? Of course, it’s never that easy. So let’s turn to the word.
In the bible we see many examples of women praying for children. In Genesis 31 we see Rachel go into full control mode when she gives Jacob her servant to conceive with. Her main goal here was to “best” her sister Leah and give Jacob children first. She was manipulative and desperate. Her identity was rooted in motherhood and ability to have children.
I hate to admit it, but I have a lot of Rachel in my heart. I resonate with her sense of desperation, of wanting a baby so badly she claimed she would die without one. I relate to her jealousy and bitterness towards her sister. The lie of believing I’m in control makes me feel like a failure or it’s all my fault that I'm not pregnant…that there’s something that can be done that I’m not doing. And that pressure is maddening and unbearable, and rightly so; I was never meant to carry the burden of conception. Only God can do that.
2. If I am completely out of control of my fertility then I will never get pregnant.
This lie is sneaky, in that there is some truth to it. As we discussed in the first point, I’m not in control of outcomes. I can’t will myself to be pregnant. But this lie subversively injects my heart with despair and hopelessness with no end in sight. Hopefulness is replaced by cynicism and I feel like it is pointless to pray for a miracle. God did not answer our prayers for Xavier the way I wanted, and he probably won’t this time either.
What this lie fails to acknowledge is there are things that are in my control. I have the choice of whether to be on birth control or not. I can choose my doctor. I make choices about my own health related to food, exercise, and self-care, which will make me a more ready vessel if and when God does choose to bless us with another child. And I can choose to trust His ways as higher than mine. Dina Coopersmith writes:
What this lie fails to acknowledge is there are things that are in my control. I have the choice of whether to be on birth control or not. I can choose my doctor. I make choices about my own health related to food, exercise, and self-care, which will make me a more ready vessel if and when God does choose to bless us with another child. And I can choose to trust His ways as higher than mine. Dina Coopersmith writes:
If our needs are fulfilled directly and presently, we see with clarity and gratitude how God runs the world and provides for His creatures. If, however, fulfillment of those needs is delayed, and a situation of lack continues for years, our challenge is to accept with fortitude that our situation is for our best, that God loves us--and to continue trusting and praying that someday our requests will be heeded.We see an example of this type of praying in Hannah’s story, recorded in 1 Samuel. The author describes her as deeply distressed, and she prays to the Lord, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.” (1 Samuel 1:11). Year after year, she persistently prayed and lamented to the LORD, and he remembered her; she bore a son named Samuel. In her prayer of praise, we can see that the Lord, not her baby, was the supreme source of her joy.
“My heart exults in the Lord;my horn is exalted in the Lord.My mouth derides my enemies,because I rejoice in your salvation.There is none holy like the Lord:for there is none besides you;there is no rock like our God." (1 Samuel 2:1-2)
I understand that I cannot cause conception; I can, however, prayerfully make decisions with my husband regarding our fertility choices. I also know a baby will not sustain me, heal me, or make my heart whole. I cannot make anything--a child, my husband, my idea of family--the center of my joy. My source must be he LORD alone. Anything else--even a sweet baby--will let me down. All I have for certain is Christ, and that must be enough. His path for me and his plan for my motherhood are not what I had planned, but how glorious of a story has begun to unfold?
3. I am a failure as a woman and wife
A common thread throughout the loss and infertility world is the feeling that we have failed as women and wives. Somehow we intrinsically tie our worth as women to the ability to bear children. We often believe one of our main duties as wives is to bear children for our husband’s sake. It’s especially hard when as the main reason for the loss or inability to conceive is something with our bodies. I struggle with the fear that Victor will grow weary of this journey, leave me and find someone else with whom he can build his family. My premise for why he loves me is based on believing I am only good for him if I can give him the things he longs for, namely, children. He assures me this will never happen, and when I talk like that it breaks his heart.So again, let’s turn to the word and what it has to say about a “good wife:”
An excellent wife who can find?She is far more precious than jewels.The heart of her husband trusts in her,and he will have no lack of gain.She does him good, and not harm,all the days of her life. (Proverb 31:10-12)
The only way to evaluate if something is good or bad, passing or failing, is to have a standard. For many, the Proverbs 31 woman is that standard. The oft referenced verses have been used as a checklist of sorts among many Christian women. For many years I hated these verses, because it just seemed to be setting us all up to fail. How could one woman do so many things so masterfully? Author Sarah Bessey warns against putting too much stock in checking off all these boxes. She writes:
So sisters, when we focus our worth solely on our marriages and/or motherhood we miss the many ways God uses us in his story outside of those parameters. Being deemed a godly woman isn’t a title only wives get to bear. And a good wife isn’t just a child bearer. A godly woman, and a good wife, is one who prays. She honors her husband and others in word and deed. She seeks peace and her heart towards him is good, and selfless. I can do those things, with or without children, as the Holy Spirit empowers me to.It's always dangerous to take one aspect of scripture, and hold it to the exclusion of the rest of the story of scripture. The whole Bible is for us too. Women are also called to put on the armor of God, to be strong and courageous and to love one another, putting each other first in all ways. Those directions, ideas, values and ways we are called to bring the Kingdom of God are for women and men. When we hyper-focus on one aspect, we're missing the whole story of what it means to live out personhood.
I refuse to let this lie trick me into limiting the bounds of my womanhood. I love this quote from Chine Mbubaegbu: "The women in the Bible don't all fit into some kind of cookie-cutter mold of femininity but many of them are brave, pioneering, passionate and committed to do whatever it is they're on earth to do." Let’s all endeavor to walk out our calling on Earth regardless of whether our arms are filled with babies or remain empty.
4. I have no purpose without children
It is so easy to feel aimless now that Xavier is gone. I felt like the next phase of my life was beginning, and just like that it was snuffed out like a candle. When Satan gets me to believe this lie, I end up being reclusive, lonely and angry. I spiral into isolation, and that is when I engage in emotionally unhealthy behaviors—avoidance, restlessness, numbing and apathy. As long as I can remember, even as a little girl, I longed to be a mother. If I don’t get to walk out that role in the way I envisioned, it is hard for me to put my passion and efforts into anything else. Despite what I believe, my sole purpose in life is not to be a mother. My purpose as a child of God’s is to glorify Him and make him known.The Westminster Shorter Catechism sets forth the question:“What is the chief end of man?” The answer: “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.” Above all else, we were made to glorify God. In Matthew 22:36-40 Jesus himself declares the two greatest commandments are to love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. He mentions nothing about marriage, family or childbearing.
But how do we live out these commandments when facing the pain of loss and unfulfilled dreams? How do I continue worshiping a God who has the power to move heaven and earth, but did not seal our son in my womb for a few more weeks? There are no easy, pat answers. Honestly, there are many days when I just don’t like Him. That may seem irreverent to say, but it is true.
Still, I have to believe.
Without the hope of Christ and my identity as His child, I truly have no purpose. Xavier has opened my heart in a way I have never experienced before. The way I love and empathize with others has been forever changed. Even without living children on Earth I must commit myself to daily choose to glorify God, reflecting his radiance like a mirror in this dark world. This, sweet sisters, is the chief aim of us all. Everything else is an added bonus and we are called to glorify him in all aspects of our lives--career, marriage, community, and motherhood. Even if we had none of these things, he is still glorious and his sacrifice of Christ for our sins is worth it all and more. He paid a price too lofty for any of us to afford, and so we live for his glory in return.
5. I may as well not be alive if I am not a mother*
This is the scariest of all lies, because if I truly believe the rest of the lies, then this is the only logical conclusion. If I am purposeless, a failure of a wife, and there is no hope I will ever have children, then what is the point of living? This lie is the darkest of darkness, the literal shadow of death lurking over me. I have never attempted suicide, but in the early days of grief I thought about dying a lot. The idea of being free from the grief, reunited with my son. I hated feeling the pain so deeply and I just wanted relief. A break in the clouds. A weeklong nap. An escape to an island where Xavier was somehow still alive. More than anything I wanted the ache to cease…I wanted nothing but my baby.When I let myself veer towards this lie it gets dark very quickly, and I have to shake myself awake from the dark day dreams. I am reminded of John 1:5, which states “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” Without the hope of Christ, this world is a dark and dismal place. At a time when all logic would say I should turn away from Him, and my heart wants to buffer itself from anymore damage, my spirit knows better. He is the source of life, hope and all things good. Satan would want nothing more than for me to blame Xavier’s death on God. Instead, I choose to trust he is good, even when it feels like he’s not.
These are some verses I cling to when this lie tries to beguile me:
- Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
- Psalm 35:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
- Psalm 55:16-17; 22 As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
The Truth of the Matter
The truth is, these lies don't spring up from nowhere. Satan is the author of lies; he knows our weaknesses, and he is precise in the lies he whispers to our hearts. In her book The Armor of God Priscilla Shirer writes "The more you disregard [Satan], the more damage he is free to do. The enemy may be invisible, but he is not fictional. He is very real, and very persistent, waging war against us constantly." So let us be vigilant to combat these lies when he shoots them like arrows.*If you are struggling with this lie, please take care of yourself and tell your partner or a trusted friend. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you find yourself in a dark spiral. Do not wrestle with this one alone.
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