what's in a name?//etsy launch details

Some parents know right away. Others wait weeks--sometimes months--before they decide. They pore over books and blogs, searching for something to jump out at them. Or they delve into their family tree to see if any branch or leaf sparks some ideas. Many parents choose not to until they meet their child and get a feel for who they are.  They don't want to pick the wrong one; it has to fit just right.

The perfect name.

Names signify relationship, familiarity, comfort and connection. They're what we answer to, so it's no wonder folks like to take their time to get them right. Surprisingly, Victor and I didn’t have much trouble deciding. Coming up with baby names is something we like to do on road trips; we'll go through the alphabet and throw out a name for each letter. We laugh at the silly ones, scrunch our faces at the tongue twisters, and mull over the ones we like, smiling at the musicality of vowels and constants. We have a running list of over 50 potential baby names, and have continued adding more as the years go by.

Victor and I both loved the elegance and uniqueness of the name ‘Xavier.’ We knew we wanted to use it with our first son, either as a first or middle name. Then after his grandfather died, we decided that we would continue tradition and use Grandaddy Garnier's middle name: Lawrence. So it was decided...if we had a son, his name would be Xavier Lawrence. So, last year when we found out we were having a boy, our name was already chosen. There was something beautiful about our son having a connection--an anchoring of sorts--to a person so important in my husband's life and the Garnier family as a whole. Though I had only seen sonogram images of Xavier, this mama was absolutely smitten.

A few weeks after our anatomy scan, Xavier was born. Shortly after delivery, as I was holding my dying son against my chest, a hospital attendant approached my bedside with a stack of forms for me to fill out.

"Child's Name:________________."  

Over and over, we had to write his name: Xavier Lawrence Garnier. Date of Birth: 09/29/2017. Date of Death: 09/29/2017. We signed papers to confirm his birth, his death, and to note what we wanted to do with his body (burial or cremation). A few weeks later I found myself in a social security office where I was told that I needed to bring an additional proof of Xavi's birth before applying for his social security card. I drove back to the hospital where I had delivered my son a few weeks earlier, raced to the records office, and filled out more forms to have his records released. Once again, there I was writing his name: Xavier Lawrence Garnier.

Each time I put pen to paper and write down his name is bittersweet. Obviously bitter because it is an acrid reminder that our son is dead. But even still, there's something so sweet about adding all those letters together and seeing my boy in their sum.

Because I'm a mother to a non-living child, I won't get to write Xavier's name on packs of diapers to be dropped off at day care. I won't order personalized InchBug bottle labels or put his initials on tiny baby socks. I won't get to teach him how to write/spell his name, and hopelessly try to explain why his first name ends with a hard English 'r' while his last name ends with a French one ("XavieR GarnYAY"). I won't get to write him silly notes to leave in his lunchbox. I'll never see his name on a sports team roster or in a graduation program. I won't hear his name called out to be honored for any special achievements. I'll never check my voicemail and hear his deepening voice say, "Hey Mama! It's Xavier. Just calling to say hey before I go into class." I don't get to watch him grow into his name from baby to toddler to teen to adult.

But when I write--or say--Xavier's name it gives me such peace. It's one of the only things I have left of him, and I cherish it greatly.

Which brings me to my newly launched etsy shop, Namesake Ink. The idea for this shop comes from my obsession with names and their meanings. If you'd like more details, I'd love if you took some time to check it out. This little endeavor is in Xavi's honor, for his namesake.