well-laid plans.

After finding out I was pregnant, my mind quickly went into mama mode. Like a flood, ideas about names, nursery design, birth plans, and the like consumed my thoughts. Still, I was tentatively hopeful, and hesitant to share the news at first. However, once I knew I was carrying a son, a whole new world opened up to me. I was ready to plan for it all.

My labor and birth preferences were scrupulously detailed, even down to lighting, music and how long to delay bathing. I drew sketches of a nursery and looked forward to snuggly winter nights with my son. I bought some hangers and a few onesies, but made myself stop once I reached seven. I went to a doula open house and interviewed women whose services included placenta encapsulation (also on the birth plan, ha!) More than anything I wanted to be prepared.

Early last September I contacted a local photographer to get an idea of when we should take maternity pictures. With my early February due date in mind, we decided on a weekend in January. I could see it in my mind’s eye: Victor and I dressed in snuggly warm sweaters and coats, me with a big round belly. I pinned ideas for poses, and researched color schemes for winter photo shoots. I couldn’t wait!

Despite all my well-laid plans, there was nothing that could prepare me for what actually unfolded. Clearly, being diagnosed with an incompetent cervix at 19 weeks, and my water breaking at 21 weeks was not in any of my plans. I am reminded of Proverbs 19:21, which states

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, 

but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

While I cannot believe that the Lord began Xavier's life and then purposed for me to lose him, I am finding some peaceful acceptance that, in spite of the pain of death, He is using this broken story for my good and His glory. In the same way, Jesus lived, died, and rose again for our good and His ultimate glory...so that we could be forever changed.

As a result of surrendering to the Lord's plan for my story of motherhood, the way I comfort others has been transformed and my meticulous planning has given way to a more hands-open approach to preparation. Yes, there are still plenty of ideas and dreams I hope to see come to fruition one day regarding children. But instead of holding onto these plans with tightly closed fists, I cradle them in open hands and I know, no matter what, He is still good.

Needless to say, we didn’t get to take maternity pictures, but I contacted Nicole again in January and we scheduled a commemorative shoot instead. It was a freezing cold day, as I had imagined it would be. Hey, at least I was right about that.

Oh sweet Xavier. You were so hoped for. And you are so adored. How I love seeing your strong name before my eyes, and hearing it aloud is music to my ears.

This post is in conjunction with the #22daysofhope launched on Instagram by Surviving Miscarriage Together. Photos by NicTay Photography